Stick it to me

I love this time of year.

Why now?

Here’s an extended metaphor:

It’s January. Two days ago, the temperature was in the 20’s. Yesterday was just as bad. Then, all of a sudden, you wake up to a beautifully sunny day. Clear skies. 70 degrees. Sun is shining. Birds are chirping. Bees are trying to have sex with them (at least as my understanding goes).

In that moment, all you can think about is summer. No matter how far away it might be, it is all that is on your mind. You smell the beach air. Taste the lemonade. Feel the sun warm on your face. For all intents and purposes, at that moment, it is summer.

Alright. Metaphor ended. So why am I loving this time of year?

Because it is primary season.

Now, to be honest, I am not any sort of political pundit. Hell, I’ve really only voted once in my life. (Stupid Green Party registration, can’t vote in the stupid primaries.)

What cracks me up is the lengths to which people go in campaigning for their candidate of choice. The annoying, all-up-in-your-grill pamphleteering. The “deep”, oftentimes alcohol-induced late night political debates that result in someone’s feelings getting hurt. The buttons, shirts, headbands, dog leashes, hot-air balloons, billboards, beer-coozies, candidate-shaped cookies, etc. etc. etc.

It’s nuts.

What I want to focus on here, though, is the bumper sticker. (Here is where the metaphor comes into play)

All of this campaigning and candidate touting (or defaming), it is primetime season for political bumper stickers. And as far as my senses are concerned, all I can smell, taste, hear and feel is the hilarity I am bound to experience come next year, when all of the electioneering is complete, and that ’98 Accord drives past, covered in Ron Paul or Rudy Giuliani stickers.

It’s great. Really. I cannot wait.

The best part is that even after their fave candidate loses, they keep those babies up. Sure, they could cover that Kerry sticker up with one bragging about their child's academic or athletic achievements, or maybe a Phish decal. But no, he sticks to his guns. And his sticker.

Yes, few things amaze me as much as the phenomenon of the bumper sticker. Not just political ones either. Music groups. Social thoughts. Sports teams. Calvin peeing on (more) things (than R. Kelly).

The bumper sticker is just so timeless. So genuine.

“Wearing your heart on your sleeve” for motor vehicles?

You bet.

An Epiphany

I have amazing news.

Like, this totally put so many questions - and fears - to rest.

Years of uncertainty were instantly forgotten, as I slowly took a virtual step into an Era of Elluminescence. I don't know if that is a word, but it should be, for it is the only word that can fully describe the joyousness and life that now rushes through my entire inner being.

For today I relay to you, the black veil of confusion and the fog of doubt have been lifted and dispersed, respectively.

Yesterday, while in the middle of one of what I like to call my internet "blackouts" (during which I aimlessly, and quite inexplicably, wander through the twisted halls of the interweb and eventually find myself in some corner so weird and impossible to understand, that I wonder in sheer amazement how many hyperlinks I fell victim to in order to arrive at this bizarre location.)

Alright. So this has been quite dramatic so far. I'll just cut to the chase.

According to YoJoe.com (G.I. Joe enthusiast website):

In the G.I.Joe episode Sins of Our Fathers, Cobra Commander evokes a monster that dwelled in the ruins beneath Destro's ancestral home. Destro and G.I.Joe team-up and Destro uses an ancient chant to lure the monster away. Destro is voiced by actor Arthur Burghardt, Dialtone is voiced by Hank Garrett.

• Listen to it normally (.MP3) [103K]

One of the scares of the 1980s was the "subliminal message" scare - where individuals were convinced that there were occult messages hidden in rock music, commercials, etc. Even cartoons. This subliminal message can be found when listening to Destro's chant backwards.

• Listen to it Backwards (.MP3) [103K]

You put it so plain and elegantly.

"Anybody listening to this backwards for a secret occult message is a big... Dweeb."

Wow. Talk about a HUGE weight being lifted off your mind. I mean, seriously. The man speaks the truth here. You hear that, all you dweebs out there, conspiring to make us do things that we otherwise wouldn't do? Stop messing with our routines.

Oh, now what was that? Why was I on a G.I. Joe website? Oh that's not important. And it has nothing to do with my G.I. Joe P.J.'s or Sergeant Slaughter Wrestling Buddy. And of course nothing to do with my vintage figurines collection, most of which are still contained in their original packaging. (EBay, here I come...)

What is important is this: we no longer need to worry about our multimedia sources piggy-backing occult, hidden messages anymore. (Hooray!) Cold War be damned.

Thank you, "Arthur Burghardt" for your bravery and thought leadership on this issue that has plagued us for over 25 years.

Can I get a slow clap?