Why I hate Tom Cruise

So this has bothered me for a long time now.  Loonngggg time.

I think it's safe to say that I am not the only person who - while growing up - had a laundry list of ambitions, goals, dreams.  You know, some kids wanted to be firefighters.  Others rockstars.  

As for me, well, I had what my mom called an "imagination" (and what most doctors today called "A.D.D").  Since adolescence, I have had more ideas of what I could be than Bob Dylan has had albums.

How then, you might be wondering, does any of this have anything to do with why I hate Tom Cruise?

Well, it's quite simple actually.  You see, on that list of aspirations, I would venture to say that at least a good 87% of them (+/- 3.5%) have been actualized in a movie by a character played by none other than Mr. Scientology himself, Tom F-ing Cruise.

With the help of one of my favorite websites, the Internet Movie Database, I have reviewed Mr. Cruise's resume and will share with you all now just how thwarted I have been (note: I am as of yet not sure who exactly the "you" I just referred to really is, but, in the longshot chance that someone actually does read this, then, I mean "Youuuuuu").

Drum roll please....

A Chronological Listing of How Many Times Tom Cruise has beat me to the Punch:

• 1983 - Street Tough  -  The Outsiders - Tom played Greaser Steve Randle in this film adaptation of S.E. Hinton's masterpiece.  Me loves to rumble...
• 1983 - Amateur Pimp  -  Risky Business - who wouldn't want to be a 19-yr-old P.I.M.P.?
• 1986 - Air Force pilot  -  Top Gun  -  Maverick is a hero of mine.  I own this on DVD.  (Added bonus - busting out "You've Lost that Loving Feeling" in the middle of a bar.  I would kill for that kind of self-confidence.)
• 1986 - Pool Shark  -  The Color of Money -  Not only does Vince kick ass on the pool table, but he's cool enough to wear a shirt with only his name on it in plain white lettering.  Arrogance is Awesomeness.
• 1988 - Hip Bartender  -  Cocktail -  Gotta love the bottle-tossing, womanizing charm of this bartender.
• 1992 - First generation Irish-American  - Far and Away -  This is just a shout out to my Mc heritage.  Potatoes and beer are two favorites.
• 1992 - Someone who yells at Jack Nicholson -  A Few Good Men -  This also is a mesh of a couple dreams - to be in the military, to be a lawyer (which is obviously coming next on the list), and to be in a starring role alongside Kevin Bacon
• 1993 - Lawyer  -  The Firm  -  Realizing the law school will never happen for me, I am representing myself in a speeding ticket challenge in the next few weeks.  I'm studying Mitch McDeere's courtroom suavity all week in preparation.
• 1994 - Vampire  -  Interview with a Vampire  - C'mon...  No one can convince me that sleeping all day and slurpin' down some type AB by night isn't an attractive lifestyle.
• 1996, 2000, & 2006 -  Secret Agent Man  -  Mission: Impossible 1, 2, & 3 - Ethan Hunt had me at the opening rock climbing sequence of the original.  Who is James Bond?
• 1996 -  Sports Agent  -  Jerry Maguire -  Show me the money.  Period.
• 2001 -  Involved with Penelope Cruz - Vanilla Sky  -  Minus the whole facial disfigurement part.  And near-fatal car accident.  But as weird as this movie is at times, I will always and forever be in love with Penelope Cruz.
• 2003 - Samurai Ninja -  The Last Samurai - Alright, so maybe Tom wasn't an actual ninja in this, but he was closer than I will ever be.  
• 2007 - Politician  -  Lions for Lambs -  I'll be honest, I have not seen this one yet.  However, politician was a goal of mine for a while.  I think it ended somewhere around the time I realized that it was the tobacco industry, and not politicians, that ran the government.  

So there you have it.  16 reasons why I hate Tom Cruise.  

If I had to sum it all up and choose one, I think that it would have to be Pool Shark. Once I am super good at pool, I'll have enough street credit to be a street tough; bartenders will reward me for my stellar games with free rounds; Penelope Cruz will flock to me; Jack Nicholson will call me, begging for me to yell at him; I'll still be Irish; and, by default, I will be a Secret Agent-Samurai-Vampire-Air Force Pilot-Senator who is busy cutting deals for sports stars, all the while proving that Pimpin' IS easy.  

Obviously.

The economics of victory

Over the Christmas holiday, I found myself with some extra time on my hands - a fact my family would strongly argue with due to my overall lack of presence in the house with them. Regardless, there I was. Bored even.  

As I aimlessly surfed the interweb, as I prefer to call it, I stumbled upon - believe it or not - an embedded advertisement that I actually clicked on!  (Damn you Facebook ads)

It was a link to a the International Open Amateur Photography Contest sponsored by Picture.com.

Hmm, I thought.  I like to take pictures.

So it was settled. I'd enter.  And enter I did.  My submission:

"Virtuoso"

So there I am, taking down my daily dose of self-indulgence, and expecting absolutely nothing to come from it (aside from the probability of having just signed myself up for a host of unsolicited emails).

With that, I closed up the macbook and headed out the door to do who knows what.

A week goes by.

Just last week, then, I receive an email while at work alerting me that, and I quote:

After thoroughly reviewing and discussing your photograph, I am pleased to inform you that our 

Selection Committee has advanced your contest entry, "Virtuoso," to semi-finalist in the 

International Open Amateur Photography Contest.

Now how a-bout that...  Just when I had decided to expect nothing in return, the kind folks at Picture.com blow me out of the water with this.

My first inclination, obviously, is what can I win?

(And here's where it gets fun)

After a few bolded statements, throwing all sorts of numbers with ridiculous odds to actually win them, comes the steak and potatoes of the whole email:

And that’s not all! In celebration of your unique talent, we also wish to publish your photograph in our forthcoming anthology series . . .

Endless Journeys

Endless Journeys will be a classic, coffee-table quality hardbound volume that is printed on fine-milled paper specifically selected to faithfully reproduce the unique texture and character of your photograph.

In short, I was being awarded with the opportunity of a liftetime, to purchase a large book with lots of pictures that somehow equates into the euphoric-sounding world of Endless Journeys, where, as Jay Farrar from Son Volt puts it, "It's the search, not the find."

Right.

A couple of paragraphs and one click on a hyperlink later, and I'm seeing dollar signs.  $69.99.

After reading this, I promptly closed the email up.  I was going to wait it out.  See what's next.  After all, they did boast that "no purchase was necessary".

A couple days later, and I receive another email from the Picture.com crew.  Turns out, I was being nominated by the International Society of Photographers to be a "Distinguished Member."

AKA, Basic Membership = $60, 1-year Distinguished Membership = $149, 2-year Distinguished Membership = $249.

Did I mention:

So, now, let's say I'm a sucker for 24-karat gold pins and special members-only decals, yet have unresolved commitment issues, so I choose the 1-year Distinguished Member option.

That's $149, + the $69.99 for the 'coffee-table quality hardbound volume', featuring my photo, a small fish in a large pond.  

$149.00 + $69.99 = $218.99

Whoa.

Then, two days later, with the same resilience as the mustache, they were back. And the offerings got shinier:

Now what man can turn down all that glitz and exclamation-pointed phrases starting with the word "New"?

This guy. Right here. He can, and did.

2007 Published Photographer Award Pin - $19.95

Commemorative Bronze Editor's Choice Medallion - $49.95  (pin free if you buy this)

2007 Editor's Choice Commemorative Silver Watch - $119.00  (pin and medallion free if you buy this)

"Just saying No" - priceless

So, to recap my savings.:

$149.00 + $69.99 + $119.00 (best value) = $337.99 (plus shipping & handling, duh.)

Did I mention, "no purchase necessary"?

And there you have it.  The economics of victory are this: In order to get the shiny, glitzy, flashy, and otherwise useless things in this world, all you gotta do is submit something to an online contest.  Poetry, photography, origami, whatever the case is.  They'll be knocking on your virtual door in no time.

[As a side note, here is the url for the pin/medallion/watch combo package. It doesn't appear to be applicant-specific. Do me a favor, and wear all three "Editor's Choice"-emblazoned decorations proudly. For both of us. For all of us.]