Why I hate Tom Cruise

So this has bothered me for a long time now.  Loonngggg time.

I think it's safe to say that I am not the only person who - while growing up - had a laundry list of ambitions, goals, dreams.  You know, some kids wanted to be firefighters.  Others rockstars.  

As for me, well, I had what my mom called an "imagination" (and what most doctors today called "A.D.D").  Since adolescence, I have had more ideas of what I could be than Bob Dylan has had albums.

How then, you might be wondering, does any of this have anything to do with why I hate Tom Cruise?

Well, it's quite simple actually.  You see, on that list of aspirations, I would venture to say that at least a good 87% of them (+/- 3.5%) have been actualized in a movie by a character played by none other than Mr. Scientology himself, Tom F-ing Cruise.

With the help of one of my favorite websites, the Internet Movie Database, I have reviewed Mr. Cruise's resume and will share with you all now just how thwarted I have been (note: I am as of yet not sure who exactly the "you" I just referred to really is, but, in the longshot chance that someone actually does read this, then, I mean "Youuuuuu").

Drum roll please....

A Chronological Listing of How Many Times Tom Cruise has beat me to the Punch:

• 1983 - Street Tough  -  The Outsiders - Tom played Greaser Steve Randle in this film adaptation of S.E. Hinton's masterpiece.  Me loves to rumble...
• 1983 - Amateur Pimp  -  Risky Business - who wouldn't want to be a 19-yr-old P.I.M.P.?
• 1986 - Air Force pilot  -  Top Gun  -  Maverick is a hero of mine.  I own this on DVD.  (Added bonus - busting out "You've Lost that Loving Feeling" in the middle of a bar.  I would kill for that kind of self-confidence.)
• 1986 - Pool Shark  -  The Color of Money -  Not only does Vince kick ass on the pool table, but he's cool enough to wear a shirt with only his name on it in plain white lettering.  Arrogance is Awesomeness.
• 1988 - Hip Bartender  -  Cocktail -  Gotta love the bottle-tossing, womanizing charm of this bartender.
• 1992 - First generation Irish-American  - Far and Away -  This is just a shout out to my Mc heritage.  Potatoes and beer are two favorites.
• 1992 - Someone who yells at Jack Nicholson -  A Few Good Men -  This also is a mesh of a couple dreams - to be in the military, to be a lawyer (which is obviously coming next on the list), and to be in a starring role alongside Kevin Bacon
• 1993 - Lawyer  -  The Firm  -  Realizing the law school will never happen for me, I am representing myself in a speeding ticket challenge in the next few weeks.  I'm studying Mitch McDeere's courtroom suavity all week in preparation.
• 1994 - Vampire  -  Interview with a Vampire  - C'mon...  No one can convince me that sleeping all day and slurpin' down some type AB by night isn't an attractive lifestyle.
• 1996, 2000, & 2006 -  Secret Agent Man  -  Mission: Impossible 1, 2, & 3 - Ethan Hunt had me at the opening rock climbing sequence of the original.  Who is James Bond?
• 1996 -  Sports Agent  -  Jerry Maguire -  Show me the money.  Period.
• 2001 -  Involved with Penelope Cruz - Vanilla Sky  -  Minus the whole facial disfigurement part.  And near-fatal car accident.  But as weird as this movie is at times, I will always and forever be in love with Penelope Cruz.
• 2003 - Samurai Ninja -  The Last Samurai - Alright, so maybe Tom wasn't an actual ninja in this, but he was closer than I will ever be.  
• 2007 - Politician  -  Lions for Lambs -  I'll be honest, I have not seen this one yet.  However, politician was a goal of mine for a while.  I think it ended somewhere around the time I realized that it was the tobacco industry, and not politicians, that ran the government.  

So there you have it.  16 reasons why I hate Tom Cruise.  

If I had to sum it all up and choose one, I think that it would have to be Pool Shark. Once I am super good at pool, I'll have enough street credit to be a street tough; bartenders will reward me for my stellar games with free rounds; Penelope Cruz will flock to me; Jack Nicholson will call me, begging for me to yell at him; I'll still be Irish; and, by default, I will be a Secret Agent-Samurai-Vampire-Air Force Pilot-Senator who is busy cutting deals for sports stars, all the while proving that Pimpin' IS easy.  

Obviously.